Too Much Goose; Not Enough Maverick

The snow is nearly gone and the skies are returning to a cheerful blue. Our UWGB campus is blooming back to a serene oasis of flora and fauna. Punxsutawney Phil’s shadow fades as students emerge from the tunnels with their eyes squinted. NOT used to fresh air and sunlight, they realize that Spring just might be upon us. (Knock on wood, of course.)

But just as we breathe in an above-freezing sigh of relief that winter is behind us, the short-lived silence is shattered with a blood curdling, “HONK” from the avian demons soaring above our quiet, little campus. The annual invasion has begun.

Goose-Greased Road Rage
Faculty, staff, and commuting students are advised to allow an extra five-to-ten minutes in their commute to campus as streets fill with the slow-moving, honking poop factories that are our Canada Geese guests. These gaggles seem to be able to sense our fear of being late to class or work and respond by moving slower or just coming to a complete halt in the middle of the road. Moving slowly through the geese will only fuel their rage and honking your car horn is futile; they see it as you issuing a verbal fight.

A once uneventful, wintery walk to class is now a dangerous game of chance when passing a gang of black hooded, gray-feathered thugs. Students are advised to cover exposed digits, keep hands in pockets, and do not make eye contact with the cold, dead eyes of the Branta Canadensis. Goose-produced “landmines” litter the walkways and countless shoes fall victim to a “fecal-ity.” And for the love of Phlash, if you see one of their cute-on-the-outside, bloodthirsty-on-the-inside young – find a different route. These ruthless monsters have no fear and take no prisoners.

It’s important to take these precautions seriously: Do not feed the geese. This encourages a lengthier stay. Do not disturb a sleeping goose. Any misbehavior will result in a ridiculous race between goose and man – with the goose the usual victor. The unlucky will suffer bites and scratches from not heeding the warnings you’ve read here. Do not provoke a fight with a goose. Geese know no fear and feel no pain. They will spare neither wing nor beak in a fight.

The deer remain neutral, the turkeys have abandoned us, and the squirrels are nowhere to be found. Though it is an uphill battle, we can win. We can take back our campus. Be careful out there Phoenix, you’ve been warned.

The Oxford Commas include Sara Bichler, Amanda Rice, Amanda Danihel and Courtney Bultman.

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